Who really prefers to be needed over wanted? I do.
Would you rather be needed or wanted? On the surface, most would say wanted. It seems sexier, to be desired — or for the fancy among us, to experience that Shakespearean, to be longed for that fulfills our own emotional needs. After all, your car needs motor oil, it doesn’t want it. Who really prefers to be needed over wanted? I do.
This was the question I found myself struggling with the other night after my wife and I got into an argument. I wish I could say that it kept me up tossing and turning all night. But that would be impossible. Not because I’m a selfish prick, but because I have ALS and am completely paralyzed. So, after my wife throws me into bed like a sack of potatoes, and arranges my pillows, arms, shirt, and tablet so I can communicate. I am pretty much frozen in place for the next eight hours.
I clearly need my wife. Without her or my caregivers, I could not eat, drink, move, or go to the bathroom. We have been married for almost three years, all of which I have been in the same state. Oh, I forgot to mention that I am on a ventilator too. It’s important to understand that it’s not like we had years of traveling, hiking, or coed softball games and there was an accident that occurred one day. She met me and we were married exactly one year after our first date!
Our relationship dynamic is extremely unique. However, in some ways, it’s your average run-of-the-mill newly married couple with a toddler, trying to find normalcy in the pandemic. We definitely spend more time together than most couples, but that is because we also work together for our nonprofit organization, A Life Story Foundation. We argue about the basic stuff, most of which is communication-related.
The worst part about fighting with someone that you really need is that moment when, post-fight, pre make-up, I need something. If it’s for a cough assist (a machine that helps me clear my lungs), that is easy and quick. But if I have to pee or eat, it is terrible! She doesn’t want to help me as much as I don’t want to need her help! Can you imagine right after a heated argument with your spouse, you are forced to ask if she or he could kindly come and grab your penis so you can pee?!
I think I find this part extra hard because I was extremely independent before ALS completely destroyed my body’s ability to move! I moved to NYC and Chicago by myself. I once went to Europe without so much as a hotel booked, by myself. Now, when I poop (relax, everyone does it) there are two other people in the bathroom. I need these people. I need my wife.
The flip side to this constant codependency is that it’s not reciprocal. At all. It is something that I will admit I struggle with from time to time. Self-worth is woven into the fabric of a healthy relationship with oneself. I don’t have the typical role as a husband or father. I have never taken out the garage or read a bed time story to our daughter. I don’t quite fit the role of hunter or gatherer. What was the prehistoric role of a “thinker”?
I do handle all of our finances and anything that can be done online. I certainly take pride in that role. But it doesn’t mean that I wouldn’t love to be needed. When our daughter bumps her head and she goes screaming past me to get comforted by her mom, it’s brutal. Fortunately, my wife is far better with home improvement than I could or would want to be. So that helps. But I would love the opportunity to be needed more.
Most husbands get a honey-do list every weekend. That stuff that just needs to get done around the house. Not me though. I get so excited when I am able to get something on amazon to make her life easier. But it feels even better if she says, “Can you please order…”
I don’t get to leave the house every morning and bring home the bacon. I don’t get to pick up our daughter from my parents’ house, or go out for almond milk. What I would give to take out the trash! Or even change the occasional dirty diaper.
I suppose that I could and should take solace in the fact that because I’m technically not needed in the most typical ways, that must mean that I am really wanted! Some could even say desired! Longed for. We all have those basic feelings of craving the warmth of others. Feeling part of a team, part of a pack!
Does my wife feel that she needs me? God, I hope so. We do have a deep connection, there’s no doubt about that. I hope that I do provide mental strength and emotional support in the absence of a good set of hands. I know that it’s much easier to say, thanks for something transactional like taking care of that squeaky cabinet door versus providing a calm sense of support.
The fact that I happen to need and want my wife means that I have a lot to be grateful for in my life. I am fortunate enough to have and eat my cake. Through a feeding tube. Totally normal. Nothing to see here. Carry on people!