And that’s okay, for now.
The jealous boyfriend? The jealous husband? Nope, not me. Those are two roles that I have never played. I would like to think that it’s because I’m very secure in my own skin and I’ve always trusted my partner. Maybe that is why I’m struggling with my latest one man show — the jealous dad.
My wife is an incredible mother to our nearly 3-year old daughter Elliott. She seems to have this magical power. No matter how chaotic life gets, no matter how hard her day has been, she is able to make Elliott feel happy, comfortable, and loved. I don’t know how she does it. The only thing I can compare it to is the phone booth transformation of Clark Kent to you know who.
Around the time Elliott started talking, was when I first noticed an unfamiliar, rather ugly feeling of jealousy towards my wife whenever she was with Elliott. I was jealous. We could be in the middle of a fierce argument and my wife could seemingly float to the next room like Mary Freaking-Poppins and save the day. The instant hero!
Was this something that women or mothers are hardwired to do?
I am typically the problem solver, the practical one in our duo, but I was stewing like that ungrateful twerp, Veruca from Willy Wonka. I was at a complete loss. How was she so much better than me? We have both been parents for the same amount of time. Was there a secret mommy blog or app I didn’t know about!?
Why doesn’t she have that same ability with me? In fact, whenever I attempt to stabilize a situation by saying, “calm down” or “relax” it actually has the inverse reaction.
It wasn’t until recently that I learned that those two phrases are actually international signs for a stupid husband. (I heard that you can actually get caned in some parts of the world for saying them.)
The jealousy was uncomfortable and definitely not something that I shared with my wife. I felt ashamed and brushed it off to a few isolated incidents. But the truth is that I continued to experience waves of the unnatural feeling. To make matters worse I actually had feelings of jealousy towards sweet little Elliott. Ugh, talk about feeling like a bad dad!
Elliott is a bright and kind toddler, and here I am soaked in the stink of jealousy because she sprinted by me into her mom’s arms after bumping her head on the dining room table! She was definitely in pain. Her cheeks were Jolly Rancher red and tears were dripping down her face.
I wanted nothing more than to be the one to soothe her. I wanted to solve the problem. I wanted to kiss her boo-boo. But I was left in the cheap seats to watch the masterful mommy again. I felt like an ass in the moment, and I feel like an even bigger one now that I am writing this.
Perhaps I should mention that our family dynamic is a little unusual. I have ALS and I’m in a power wheelchair, depend on a ventilator to breathe, and an eye gaze tablet to communicate. So, there’s that.
This no doubt plays a role in my sea of jealousy. Our main caregiver, Josh, that we found right as the pandemic started is absolutely amazing with Elliott also. He truly loves her and the feeling is reciprocated. He even sneaks her an extra popsicle during bath time or sets up her toys in a funny arrangement on the couch.
I’m so thankful for Josh. He helps our circus moving forward! But that doesn’t always make it easy to watch someone else play such an important role in my daughter’s life.
I am always around my wife and daughter. We actually just bought our first house in St. Petersburg, Florida. We spent a lot of time together before the pandemic, but now we are usually together all day and night. The idea of feeling jealous towards my wife is something that I have never said out loud. Do dads talk about stuff like this?
I know that my daughter loves me. Even though I can’t pick her up or kick the ball with her, I do get to spend some time every morning snuggling with her. Thankfully, she wakes up in a great mood and right from her mom’s arms, she lands in bed with me. We usually watch Daniel Tiger or Spirit. Whichever one I can get to first, with my crusty eyes on my tablet.
I don’t quite know how to explain the feeling of lying next to a loved one, so close that you can see their chest rise with each breath out of the corner of your eye, but not be able to move a muscle to embrace them. I have the same feeling every night lying next to my wife. Being so close, but so far away at the exact same time. I could scream (if I was physically able to) I want my hand to move so badly.
I do understand that the role of a parent is the definition of the long game. It will most certainly have its peaks and valleys. I do have faith that at some point my sweet little Elliott will slam her bedroom door and scream mean things at her mother. At which point I will have my chance to show her unconditional love and support. My chance to shine.
If you have found yourself in the same internal penalty box for jealous dad feelings, please know that you are not alone. Find the time to create those special bonds. Sometimes the best way to go from understudy to star, is just showing up ready to perform everyday.