My wife and I haven’t spoken in over four years. It’s not an estranged relationship or a romantic thriller on Netflix. We just don’t talk. Ever. Well, she tends to talk, but I just can’t do it. You may be thinking I’m the strong, silent type. But that’s not the case — I’ve had a terminal disease for nine years, but that doesn’t mean that I get a free pass to be a lousy partner!
While it’s true that I don’t lift a finger around the house, it’s not because I’m feeling sorry for myself. I can’t lift a finger or any other muscle for that matter. The before mentioned terminal is ALS and it’s a huge pain in the ass. In addition to being completely paralyzed, I’m unable to talk, eat, drink, or breathe on my own. It’s a real shit sandwich.
My wife actually fell in love with me and even gave me my greatest accomplishment, our daughter, despite my obvious physical limitations. Can you imagine? I personally cannot. We met online and despite having pictures of me clearly in a wheelchair, she didn’t seem to care. It still makes me shake my head (figuratively of course) with complete disbelief.
But enough about her!
I always wanted to be a husband and a father. That might sound contradictory considering that I wasn’t in a long-term relationship until I was in my 30’s, but it’s true. I wasn’t about to let ALS take that away from me. So after nine months of dating and a surprise pregnancy, I asked Shay to be my wife. Well, I didn’t actually ask. A group of high school cheerleaders held up signs that read, “Will You Marry Me?”
The large production proposal that included a marching band playing the Ohio State University fight song in addition to “our” song and a fake watch party at a local brewery, was a good lesson for me. I have to really be intentional AF when it comes to showing Shay love and support. That seems so simple and obvious now, but it took time.
Think about how good it feels to get touched by your partner. I’m not even referring to being touched sexually. I’m talking about those small, subtle, and unsolicited touches. The hand on the small of your back as they squeeze by you. Or a hand on your upper thigh, followed by a squeeze as you watch a movie.
The next time you’re with your partner, do something completely unsolicited. The more out-of-the-blue it feels the greater the impact. Those little gestures say so much and require so little effort.I guess “little” is a relative term because I can’t touch my wife no matter how hard I try. What’s even more sad is that time passes and you don’t use your arms and hands, you can forget that they even exist. That means that I don’t even think about needing or not being able to touch Shay. I think it’s my brain’s way of tricking me into constantly missing the physical abilities that I’ve lost.Physical touch is not the only way to show love to your partner love. There’s all those little things that couples do for each other that aren’t necessarily romantic in nature, but certainly feel oh-so good. The list includes taking the garbage out, doing laundry, or even making the bed. These acts are important elements in a marriage that create trust and balance in a relationship.
If you really want to make your partner excited in the bedroom, make the bed while they’re in the shower. Or do some turndown service like you’re at a resort.
This is where creativity and intention meet. I can’t or refuse to spend time thinking about everything I can’t do. It would consume time and energy that I cannot waste.This part of my marriage has been more difficult than expected. But, fortunately, I do like to shop and surprise people. This has come in handy in the past few years. Most recently on Valentine’s Day, a Hallmark-inspired holiday, but that doesn’t mean I get to ignore it. The day of Cupid inspired a couple small acts of love on my part.
Thank God for technology. Without it, I would not have been able to order a new phone for my wife, online, with my eyes! I arranged to pick up the phone the following day at the AT&T store. I could have just had it shipped to the house, but that would’ve meant that Shay would have still had to go to the store and get everything transferred.
Thanks to our daughter, Shay’s phone screen has been cracked for months. That worked out well for a fake trip to get her screen fixed. My caregiver took her old phone and after an hour at the AT&T store, we had everything transferred to her new phone.A quick trip to Walgreens for a proper bag and the world’s largest heart-shaped balloon for our daughter and my act of love was almost complete. You’d be surprised how many little intention-inspired treats you can find at Walgreens.
- Grab a pint of their favorite ice cream
- Their favorite candy bar
- A greeting card for no reason
- Get a picture printed and a simple frame
- Lube (less subtle but fun for all)
Everyone has seen the quintessential breakfast in bed scene in a million different commercials. The dad sets the tray in front of his wife as the kids make their way on the bed. Smiles fill the room. The family dog even makes an appearance.Despite what your friends post on Instagram, life’s not perfect. It doesn’t look like a Folgers commercial. That means that our Valentine’s Day breakfast looked just a little different.
I had my caregiver call in an order from our favorite spot for breakfast, Trips Diner. My wife’s always up and out of bed before me. Once my caregiver gets here around 8:00 AM, it takes at least an hour to get me physically ready and out of bed. Which means that the surprise breakfast was enjoyed without me.
That was just one day. Making Shay feel love and support is always going to be a challenge. I try to find things around the house that I can have my caregivers do. Luckily for me, both caregivers are amazing and very tidy too. One of them even knows how to fold a fitted sheet. If that doesn’t say, honey, I fucking love you! I don’t know what does…While our marriage is extremely unique, the needs of your partner are probably very similar.Everyone wants to feel loved, appreciated, and that they belong. You don’t need to rely on the people at Hallmark to be the igniter to keep your love life alive and well. You just need intention.And lube. Oh, and ice cream, but not necessarily in that order. Go get ’em, tiger!