The obvious first way to really blow February 14th off the calendar is to completely forget it. That would be a layup to this list and lack any creativity. What fun would that be? I want you to read, no, I want you to devour this list of Lindor chocolates on your cheat-day.

Please use this list as a reference for your actual Valentine’s Day plans. This is not an action list for some type of kamikaze mission on such an important day of genuine and authentic love. It’s the don’t do as I say, type of list. If you’re unfamiliar with this nouveau list, relax. It’s huge in Europe right now.

If you familiarize yourself with this list and avoid repeating any of the steps below, you should have a beautiful Valentine’s Day celebration!

Step 1 — It’s not what you say…

This is a classic no matter what love language you speak. If the day of Cupid is a game, consider this strategy like screwing up the coin toss. Is it early? Yes. Will this directly affect the outcome? It’s hard to say.

As you are both getting ready to go out for this love-fest, casually stop to look at your partner. Really take the view of their beauty into your soul. Make sure they notice your gaze. This next part is really important — as you lock eyes with your lover from across the room and begin to move slowly towards them, pause before embracing them, give them one last look over, and quietly whisper in their ear — “Is that what you’re going to wear?”

I have included the most common response, so you can ensure you have successfully completed step 1.

You: Is that what you’re going to wear?

Lover: Uh, yes. Is it not ok?

You: Oh.

Lover: Oh? What does that mean?

You: Nothing. Really. It’s fine.

It’s important to leave the room at this point. You really want to let the sweet aroma of confusion and chipped self-confidence resonate.

Step 2 — The illustration of plans

There’s nothing that will ignite a romantic evening into a fiery disaster like getting into the car on Valentine’s night and saying, “Where should we go”? The notion that you have made zero effort to make plans will definitely send ripples of aggravation throughout the night.

The question in the car was just a little joke to ease the tension from step one. It did not work.

You obviously made reservations. You know that behind Mother’s Day, Valentine’s Day is the busiest night for the restaurant industry. You’re not a dope. Of course you made a reservation. You made it this morning, but you definitely made a reservation.

Step 3 — This is my jam!

The importance of the proper soundtrack to this night of warm and fuzzy feelings must not be overlooked. The longer you’ve been with your partner, the more effective step three will be. The more you know about your lover’s musical tastes, the better you will know exactly what to play.

On the way to the restaurant, insist that you get to be the DJ. You’ll want to tell your date that you made a playlist. It’s easier than making a mix-tape. The songs should be a romantic stroll down your most previous relationship mixed with your partner’s least favorite artists and genres.

If the love of your life listens to NPR, you will play Fox News. If they’re into Howard Stern, you better believe you have to blare Rush Limbaugh. Not big on country? How about some Kenny Rogers?

Step 4 — The lady will have…

Who says chivalry is dead? Although I did use the term lady, it’s important to remember that this is just a matter of speech. All of these steps are completely gender-neutral.

At this point, you’ve been seated at a historically terrible table that is close to the kitchen and the bathroom. But as the hostess so nicely pointed out to both of you, your reservation this morning was the last one available. So, when the server finally makes his way to your table order your date something that you’ve never heard them order.

It’s important to use the logic from step three here. If their go-to cocktail is a vodka and soda, try a whiskey sour. If they prefer a light, crisp glass of Sancerre, may, I suggest a bold, jammed Napa Valley cabernet? Whatever you decide to choose, you must order it. You must act as if your lover is unable to speak. Really try to make your date feel like they’re on the outside looking into a beautiful and engaging conversation between you and the waiter.

Step 5 — Deja-vu

You’re on a roll! This night has continued to spin out of control. You’ve got cocktails, a wobbly table, and a relationship that is equally as shaky. This is where you must remain strong. You have to channel your inner William Wallace.

Moments after the waiter drops the entrées that you ordered. It’s time to really connect with your turtle dove. You need your honey bunny to forget their shellfish allergy and the 2 lb lobster you insisted upon ordering from them. Look deep into their eyes into the depths of their soul.

As soon as you’re sure that they’ve truly let their guard down. Once there’s an order of vulnerability next to the epipen, that’s when you start the deja-vu course. Think back to your last serious argument. Whatever you said to resolve it, take the opposite stance. Reopen that wound like a can of tuna!

Once the smell of canned fish is in the area, really dig your heels into the ground. It’s important to really commit. Your date should be completely blindsided and confused.

Step 6 — Go out with a bang!

This night of passion must continue to completion. It’s time for the big finale. The easiest way to make sure the heat of the night goes into the bedroom is to obviously preheat the sheets. The frigid February weather will be no match for your hotness. And then the two space heaters you set up before leaving for dinner.The artificially heated sheets are only half of the final step that this night needs to make sure it becomes the fiery turd your date never saw coming. Before you turned on the space heaters, you thoughtfully spelled out, I Love You with individual pieces of dark chocolate.

By the time you return home from the most romantic night ever, the space heaters and fine chocolates will have left their mark. Your partner’s favorite Egyptian Cotton white sheets will look like a puppy poop pad. Any chance that your date had even an ounce of hope left will be up in flames.That’s it. By avoiding any behavior that even remotely resembles the steps listed above should insure a wonderful Valentine’s Day for you and yours!