If I told you that “you are the average of the five closest people in your life,” would you be happy with the result? I was not, but it’s not because I don’t have great people around me. It’s because we are nearly 11 months into a global pandemic that has had more shutdowns, lockdowns, and social distancing policies than Tony Robbins has to teeth. Making new connections has never been more difficult. That’s exactly why I took action and built a virtual tribe (VT) of all-stars.
I’m sick and tired of the influx of “virtual” everything. Last year spawned everything from happy hours to book clubs. I get it. We’ve all become comfortable with video chatting with people outside of our families. As soon as Zoom backgrounds and bookshelves became a topic of discussion, I was over virtually everything..
Due to a combination of working from home, being high-risk to Covid because I’m on a ventilator (thanks to ALS) and moving to a new city, my social circle became meek at best. I’ve always been extremely motivated and success driven. I tend to do my best to work when I get to collaborate with others. So, like so many others, I’ve struggled with the isolation this past year.
However, that all started to change one late night, deep down a YouTube rabbit hole. It started with a black and white video. It was the point of ignition that has since created my personal virtual tribe (VT).
The black and white video was the brainchild of Sam Jones. Never heard of him? Don’t feel bad, I hadn’t either. It turns out that he’s photographed every well-known pop culture icon. The short five minute clip was a snippet of Jones’ show, Off Camera. The premise is simple. Jones interviews actors, musicians, and thought leaders, on a clean white set. No frills or video packages like every other news magazine show.
In the day of highlights and headlines, it’s a deep breath of long-form interviews that are intimate and candid. Jones seems to be close friends with every guest because the conversations are so damn real. Jones is genuine and thoughtful with his words but doesn’t shy away from difficult questions.
A successful photographer, producer, and director, Jones has become my agent of creativity. The creative process is a very unique element to each medium and individual. He is the kind of guy that I want to have in my life. I feel my most fulfilled when I am being creative and around other creative people. I will have to rely on Jones and his guests for inspiration and insight for now.
Through the advice from another member of my tribe (more on that later), I tracked down his email address after a long search and five failed guesses. It’s only been a couple of weeks since my email finally reached his inbox. No response yet, but I’m not going to give up yet.
The next member of my VT actually came from an Off Camera episode. It was a complete shock. If I told you that I added a self proclaimed ego maniac addict to my VT you would probably question my logic. Rightfully so!
Dax Shepherd was the second member. If you haven’t seen him as himself versus a TV or movie character, you might still be questioning the criteria for my ‘cool kids’ table. But I challenge you to watch Shepherd talk about the struggle with addiction and the shame of truly being powerless over something and not feel his heart.
I have never struggled with addiction, but have a deep respect for anyone who has overcome adversity. I have, however, struggled with a marriage, that like Shepherd’s, is due to us being polar opposites. My wife and I often forget about our extreme differences in upbringing and general life experience when we fight. Shepherd explained how effective marriage counseling has been for his marriage. It probably convinced me to do the same.
After watching both full episodes of Shepherd on Off Camera, I decided to give his podcast, Armchair Experta try. It turns out that I am late to the party. The podcast gets roughly 20 million downloads per month and is one of the most popular across every outlet. I couldn’t believe how quickly I became an Armcherry!
Similar to the long-form interview style of Off Camera, Shepherd’s show varies in length from episode to episode. I feel strangely connected to Shepherd despite being quite different from each other on paper. He has a degree in anthropology. I would rather volunteer at Anthropologie than ever take an anthropology class. He is from Michigan. That was almost a deal breaker for my wife, who is from Ohio and bleeds Scarlett for The Ohio State University.
The biggest two traits that Shepherd and I share are ego and the gift of gab. This became clear when Matthew Mahoning episode on the Armchair Expert. They two were talking about the creative process and journaling. Shepherd, who tends to talk about himself much more than the average interviewer, explained that he kept a journal because he thought he would be famous one day.
The stones on this guy! I love it.
Now to the queen of the VT. At first I hesitated to adorn such a title to anyone other than my wife. But she fully supports it! My wife and I discovered this member together a few months ago but quickly fell for her. It started with a Netflix special.
If you have not at least heard of the Brené Brown, this is a good chance that you live under a rock. A big rock. Without WiFi. Brown’s special, The Call to Courage is the perfect introduction to the researcher’s work. The native Texan is attractive, in her mid 50’s, but her mind, her way with words, and her ability to connect with humans is what truly makes her so important to our VT.
My wife really feels a deep connection with Brown. The two have had near parallel life experiences going back to grade school. The central themes of Brown’s work are shame and vulnerability. Two words that make most people squirm with uncomfortableness, but she finds a way to shine a bright line on the darkest of subject matters.
I have never battled shame, but I also had no idea how prevalent it is in most people’s lives. Brown has the ability to not just introduce a topic, but she gives the language to be used like a tool kit. It has, without question, helped me become a better husband.
My wife prefers to listen to Brown’s books and I prefer her podcast. Either way, if we’re going to be in the car for anything over 20 minutes, you can bet that Brown is sitting shotgun.
A recent lesson from Brown came while she was a guest on the final member’s podcast. It is no surprise that there’s a lot of cross pollination between the members of our VT. It was, like most of her knowledge nuggets, simple in its explanation and profound in its impact. My wife and I now use it daily.
It’s basically a meter reading of what you’ve got left in the tank to give to each other. It assigns a value to let your partner know how much or how little they need to pick up. The idea is that you need to be at 100% as a team.
Maybe you had a rough day at work and got a flat tire on the way home. A double whammy. You’re coming in at a lowly, 30%. But your partner closed a big deal, so she can easily pick up the remaining 70%.
This daily routine is so easy to implement. I no longer just ask the obligatory, “how was your day?” The scorecard approach cuts to the real stuff.
The fourth and final member of the VT is Tim Ferriss. Like Brené Brown, I was familiar with the name before I was familiar with the work. I’m late to the party to discover Ferriss, but better late than ever. In another serendipitous act of unknown cross pollination, I first heard Ferriss as he and Dax were guests on the same episode of Brown’s podcast.
Ferriss is the author of five New York Times Best Sellers. He also has a podcast that has been downloaded over 500 million times. The best way to describe his work is equal parts pragmatic business strategies and extremely thoughtful best practices to live a meaningful life.
I am pretty tough to impress. I’m not sure if it means that my ego is too big for my britches, but I have found myself in awe of Ferriss’ words whether he’s the interviewer or the interviewee. He speaks so thoughtfully and with purpose. I’m currently reading The 4-Hour Work Week and have used the page marker in Audible repeatedly.
Ferriss touches on everything from eliminating the wrong kind of people from your life to how to hire a virtual assistant in India. I have looked into both practices. He has focused me to change daily work habits that have made an immediate impact. The biggest change so far is to only check email twice a day! Specifically, at noon and 4 PM.
I have had to use website tools to block my inbox, but it has become easier. I used a web browser to track my online habits for a week. The results were not as shocking as I expected. However, I’m not sure why I felt that checking my email 65 times a day was an effective strategy.
The people we surround ourselves with are so important to your energy, happiness, and productivity. The pandemic has only exasperated that fact. The members of my VT will remain close to me. I have no doubt that they are helping me to become a better writer, husband, and human. While you can’t instantly make changes to your social circle, you can create your own VT with just a few clicks.