It all started with a guy that we found on Craigslist. Then we tried it with a woman from another website that someone from a Facebook group recommended. But that didn’t work out, for a number of reasons. So we finally went back to Craigslist and brought in another guy and for the first time in ages, everyone in the family is satisfied.
But just to be clear, my wife and I are not Poly and neither are our two guys from Craigslist. In fact, our life is probably closer to the classic 80’s movie, Three Men and a Baby than some spicy new Netflix series.
Before I explain, let’s look at the cast and crew. Let’s start with the guys. We’ll just call them, “Josh” and “Alex” for now. The quotation marks are probably not necessary because they’re not pseudonyms. Their actual names are actually Josh and Alex. They’re both over six feet and happen to both speak Spanish. A skill they both picked up while spending time in Central America.
Josh is my age, which means he’s on the twilight side of his 30’s. Like most honest, hard working types, he’s from the Midwest. He’s an Army veteran that was injured when an IED exploded under the Humvee he was traveling in through the streets of Afghanistan. Fortunately, he survived with some narly scars down the outside of both legs. After he got his RN degree.
Alex is in his late 20’s but you would never know it. He grew up all over Central America because his mom worked for a NGO. His family settled down in the Pacific Northwest, which explains his calm and green demeanor. My wife is an empath and even she has marveled at Alex’s innate sense of caring.
So if we’re not Poly, why the hell are we paying, let alone finding dudes off Craigslist? Especially with a toddler! They are caregivers for me. I have ALS and am unable to talk, walk, and breathe on my own. I use a Microsoft Surface Pro with eye gaze technology that allows me to talk, text, and even tweet with the blink of an eye. I was diagnosed in 2012 but didn’t meet my amazing wife until 2017.
My wife, Shaina or Shay, is the real star of the show. She’s the Jeff Bridges of our ensemble. I don’t mean that she’s “the dude” either. I mean she would be the actor with the most nominations for Best Supporting Actor. She is the strongest human being that I have met. Most people that would have endured the life challenges of her first 35 years would have crumbled.
And then to give the ultimate middle finger to the universe’s cruelty, she started a family with a guy on a ventilator.
We met online. Went to see Seinfeld perform for our first date. We got married exactly one year later. Then by some miracle she got pregnant and gave birth just four weeks later. At least that’s what we’re going to tell our daughter, Elliott.
The dynamic of having two extra adults in your home is extremely unique. We have lost count of how many caregivers we’ve had in our four years together. But we know it’s over 20. The guys are not just here for a few hours every afternoon. This disease requires 24 hours of care.
Don’t get me wrong, it’s not like an episode of Grey’s Anatomy. There’s no one yelling, “code red. Get the paddles!” But because my life depends on a ventilator and I’m completely paralyzed, I find it helpful to have someone able-bodied around for the heavy lifting.
I require help doing almost every basic need. Shay says that it’s because I’m high maintenance, but I’m almost certain it’s because of ALS. The simplest, everyday task, like taking a shower or putting on extra layers for the frigid five days of Florida winters, can be absolutely exhausting.
The idea of being a dad that is physically unable to touch, let alone hold his daughter is a fucking nightmare. Not being able to walk or eat is a cakewalk (see what I did there?) compared to watching your daughter slam her head and then go running past you to her mom as tears fall down her face.
The role of dad is obviously not the only one that is quite unique and complicated for me. It is the role of the husband. The provider, the hunter, the leaky pipe fixer. I am not working on the provider part so share this article with your friends. The other two jobs are filled by my wife and caregivers.
Full disclosure, I’ve never fired or even held a gun. And I wouldn’t have the slightest clue how to fix a busted pipe. So, I can’t really blame ALS for those. Whoops.
But in the day and age of a gender neutral division of responsibilities, I have to rely on my guys. They are with me for approximately 70 hours a week. Their schedules plus social distancing means a shit ton of quality time together.
Although Josh being a RN was attractive, it was not the bullet point on his resume that got him the job. It was that he was a French trained chef that had worked at Daniel in NYC. This was huge and hard to believe. I lived in NYC for almost seven years and worked in the hospitality industry. I actually got to eat at Daniel once for a very special occasion with a dear friend.
It’s safe to say that Josh does the majority of the cooking. He puts together the grocery list and plans at least four meals a week with some input and recommendations from me. He and I usually do one trip to Publix and a Walmart pickup order every week.
It turns out that Alex ran an Air B&B and can make a bed like nobody’s business. He also happens to be incredibly patient and kind. Unfortunately for him that means that he’s the one that gets stuck with calling the cable company or arranging people to help with my technology. He’s our own personal Geek Squad.
The amount of stress that Josh and Alex take off of my wife’s plate is unmeasurable. Shay, like all great women, will always bear more weight of keeping a family moving forward. She is the worrier of the bunch. But I have slowly seen a shift that only comes with time and trust. She has to literally trust Josh and Alex with her husband’s life.
Speaking of life, Elliott is our life. She is brilliant and beautiful. She is kind and sharp as a whip. She gets to have two step dads without the pain of a divorce. It’s not always easy watching Josh and Alex kicking the soccer ball or making sand pies with Elliott, but I also know that she is surrounded by love every day. She loves them both so much, that I would be a fool not to feel grateful to have them in our little production of life.Speaking of producing life, I’ll spare you the awkward Google search. Yes, I am able to have a completely normal sex life. I said, I don’t know how to fix a pipe, I didn’t say anything about laying it.