It wasn’t our first time. We used Craigslist and other websites to hire men and women, of all different shapes, sizes, and sexual orientations. We are a very open couple.
Before you go judging us, I should probably provide some context. My wife and I are not swingers. I was diagnosed with ALS eight years ago. At this stage, I am completely immobile with the exception of my toes and eyebrows. Super useful, right? I require a ventilator for every breath I take and use eye gaze technology on a tablet to communicate.
My wife and I have a beautiful daughter, Elliott, that is two going on thirteen. We operate A Life Story Foundation, a nonprofit organization that creates awareness and raises money for ALS. We both work from home and probably average being together for at least twenty-one hours a day. To say that we have a full schedule of controlled (at times) chaos fitting for a reality TV show, would be accurate.
Enter our savior! Jesus? Nope, we’re Jewish. Our Craigslist guy’s name is Josh. He’s only been with us for about four months, so it may seem fast, but following an outpatient procedure and some great drugs, I said it. One of Brené Brown’s examples of extreme vulnerability. I just said It. Well, actually my tablet said it. But I definitely typed it. “I love you.”
Here’s a clip of the infamous line.
It was a great romantic comedy scene. Shaina nearly did a spit take of prosecco! Josh is our age, late thirties, and the strong, silent type right out of central casting. He just sat there, being all strong and silent.
While he has only been with us for four months, it’s important to remember exactly what the world has become over that time. It was actually the pandemic that helped us find the ex-army medic and French-trained chef. We were looking to make a change in early March. We live in southwest Florida and he had come down to stay with his snowbird parents after North Carolina closed all restaurants.
We normally had a weekday and a weekend caregiver. They typically work 8 am to 5 pm, with Shaina doing the other fifteen hours a day, seven days a week. But when the pandemic continued to grow, we lost our weekend caregiver. In pre-Josh days, that would have meant Shaina would be forced to use her last bit of time and energy on me. It would have been the breaking point for us. However, that was not necessary. Josh would go on to work for thirty-two days straight. Talk about baptism by fire!
The caregiver role with an ALS patient like myself is just about as intimate as it gets. He is the physical extension of me when it comes to keeping up my end of fatherly and husband duties. I hit the jackpot with Josh! Not only is he a French-trained chef that worked at Daniel in NYC — a place where I had one of the best culinary experiences of my life — he grew up in the Midwest with a neat freak of a mother!
Having an extra person in a 1,450 square foot apartment that you and your wife work out of completely alters the dynamic of everything. Oh, and don’t forget about Elliott and Cash, our dog. It turns out that Josh was the perfect person for this extremely delicate role. Not only does Cash go mad every morning as soon as Josh enters the apartment, he is absolutely wonderful with Elliott! She even said “Josh” before she said my brother’s name, much to his dismay!
He quickly became part of our family. There were times that we would be out and he would suggest getting Shay something to eat on our way home. You can’t teach or train that level of thoughtfulness. He wasn’t just taking care of my needs, it was very clear that he had his eyes on the well-being of my entire family! How could I not love the guy?!
We found Josh during a really tough time. Aside from the stresses of a global pandemic, Shay and I were not in the best place a few months ago. We talked a lot and probably texted even more about what was wrong and how we would fix it. Texting probably sounds juvenile but when I have to type each word with my eyes, if she’s watching my tablet, it’s like having someone read your thoughts before they are even complete. Not cool.
Before Josh came into our world, it was completely unbalanced. It was always going to be that way, just based on my physical condition. We both understood that. But what I didn’t understand or realize was just how severe the weight of us was driving Shay deeper into the ground with every step she took.
She worried about me every time she left the house. Worried that something would go wrong and previous caregivers would not know what to do. But after hiring Josh, and knowing his experience as an army medic and an RN, that weight was lifted. He was such a quick learner that we increased his pay after ten days, instead of waiting for our normal 90-day review.
He cooks, he cleans. He slices, he dices. I get to talk about sports and politics with a guy. Elliott gets gourmet smoothies and popsicles on demand. Cash gets the joys of extra walks and the treats that follow. But most importantly, Shay gets to breathe and even relax. So, yeah. I love a guy we found on Craigslist.