The boxes have been broken down and packed tightly into the recycling bins. The holiday decorations look anything but merry. But at most importantly, your in-laws have left the building. The holidays are full of expectations that tend to add stress to every gathering. Those feelings sparked a rather heated, eggnog induced debate between my extended family:Is there a right and wrong way to give?
If there were two sides or teams on this hot topic, my wife and I would be opposing captains. This is not surprising though. We are extremely different from each other, but we always find our special spot. However, this particular night, as the smell of chestnuts roasted from a candle the opinions from family members were polarizing.
“Gifts should always be homemade with love and care!”
“Christmas is too focused on the presents!”
“People that are bad at shopping for others just aren’t thoughtful!”
Like so many other elements of marriage, we tend to behave in ways that are directly connected to our upbringing. The fact that my wife and I grew up on opposite sides of the tracks has a lot to do with our differing feelings on how and why we give. This argument tends to flare up around birthdays, anniversaries, and the holidays.
I am a self proclaimed great gift giver. I love to shop and probably do 99% of it online, except when it comes to the holidays. I actually genuinely love the madness of retail in the weeks leading up to the new year. Crowded parking lots? Yep. Annoyingly long checkout lines? Sure! Christmas music on repeat? Yes please and I’m Jewish!
My wife on the other hand, loathes to shop. She doesn’t even like to shop for herself! I don’t care what religion you are, that is blasphemy.
It is important to know that my ability to find great gifts doesn’t mean that I only buy expensive items. It simply means that I enjoy the search and am able to think about what someone might need or want, even if they don’t know it. Nothing beats comments from someone that is truly surprised and grateful.
“OMG! How did you even know that I needed this?”
“Aww, I was just looking at this the other day. How did you know that?”
“Yes, of course I love it. Thank you so much! I’m going to try it on right now.”
My wife’s team believed that the holidays shouldn’t be about presents. Her side claims that homemade is the way to give and gifts should really mean something. While I agree with the idea that giving from the heart, but that doesn’t mean it can’t come from Amazon too.
This argument went on for a couple of days during the recent holidays. I found myself wondering how to find that special spot with my wife. Was one of us right? How were we going to resolve this lingering difference?
Something had to change. If things didn’t, my wife would continue to build up resentment for the number of gifts and the money spent on those gifts. My feelings of disappointment with her gifts would certainly not go away.
To be clear, our different approaches to the art of giving did not just exist between gift exchanges between the two of us. We actually discovered that this was also an uncomfortable difference among other married couples. This conversation that started as a small chat between a few extended family members started to pick up participants as the eggnog continued to flow.
Obligatory giving was the next item to send opinions firing around the party like Red Rider bee-bees. My wife and I were again on different sides of your room. If you’re not familiar with obligatory giving, you’re probably not married.
This type of giving is my least favorite type. It’s usually the gifts that are exchanged between extended family members. If I don’t talk to you or even like your photos on social media, why should I feel obligated to buy you something? Is it just because you’re going to buy me something? Probably.
My wife is the more sentimental one in our marriage. She usually gets these generic gifts. I’d rather say, let’s skip the charade and make a donation to a charity. Not that I don’t really want items from Sky Mall. It just seems excessive.
My wonderful wife and I have until our wedding anniversary next month to find our special spot on giving. The heated, yet civil discussions that happened throughout this holiday season definitely helped us to hopefully merge our feelings into a perfect blend of how our family gives.
After hearing how long she worked on some of my homemade presents definitely gave me some much needed perspective on her thoughts. I do think that I can try to find more smaller, thoughtful gifts. I also hope that after hearing my gift giving mindset, she understands what the season of giving means to me.
The holidays are full of chaos and unpleasant experiences like your great aunt that insists on kissing everyone on the lips, like she’s giving the middle finger to sweet little Dr. Fauci. Heated discussions are as much of the holidays traditions as Santa, Silent Night, and lighting the Menorah. The key is to keep an open mind, heart, and the eggnog stocked.